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Ten songs I never want to hear again for as long as I live
Been sick all week with a nasty head cold / infection thing, haven’t listened to anything new, but I have a pile of stuff to go through that looks really promising. In the meantime, I discovered what happens when you run on Nyquil, Mucinex and coffee for days on end. Enjoy!
Billy Squier – The Stroke
This song gives me the worst douche chills ever. It’s hard to imagine any rock song that sinks lower than this (single entendre?, is that even possible?), and even harder to imagine that Squier once played in a band with Klaus Flouride from Dead Kennedys. He also played in a NY glam rock band called Piper with Bruce Kulick (AKA Spruce Kulick, dubbed for his total lack of movement on stage as well as a general lack of personality) of the mid 80’s non-makeuped version of Kiss. Far worse than “My Kind of Lover”, for all the wrong reasons. Usually I try to change the radio as soon as I hear the “Nnow EVERRRRYBODY”. Klaus, you got some splain’ing to do.
Tommy James & The Shondells – My Baby Does The Hanky Panky
A number one hit in 1966, originally written by The Raindrops, who were part of the amazing Brill Building pop movement in the 60’s, (where jingle writers, singers and publishers all worked in tandem in one room to create instant hits) although not sure I’ve heard the original. The Tommy James version is unbearable, described by Allmusic as “bouncy and pleasant”. I can remember being trapped in the car as a kid when this came on CBS radio and the feeling of immediately wanting to die as soon as possible.
Taco – Puttin’ On The Ritz
A classic ditty, puts me in a mood that’s hard to describe. Somewhere between utter bewilderment to wanting to destroy humanity in a single blow. Has been covered by Neil Diamond and Alvin and the Chipmunks. And if that isn’t bad enough for you, it was a feature song in the movie Baby Geniuses. Why is it so bad? Because it makes people do the mouth trumpet thing and it can get stuck in your head for days. Plus, it’s a song about getting ready to make music, a depression-era version of “Ready to Rock”. Makes me wonder what Fred Astaire would say about this, guessing he probably wouldn’t be too thrilled.
Mannfred Man – Blinded By The Light
Gut wrenchingly bad 70’s schlock, so awful that it’s hard to make fun of. There are unwritten rules in rock music, the first rule is usually “Don’t cover The Beatles.” I’d like to add a second one, “Kill everyone in Mannfred Man.”
Steve Miller Band – Abracadabra
Pretty sure that the 7th circle of hell is reserved for Steve Miller and his band, their roadies and their softball team. Possibly in the running for worst lyrics ever written. Few months ago I read part of a biography about SMB, I learned more than I ever wanted to know, honestly it made me dislike them even more. This is how I explain their fame: in the 70’s, audiences had a lot more drugs and alcohol in them. A lot more. Like, more than you’ve ever seen anyone consume.
Foreigner – I Want To Know What Love Is
Really? You do? Because according to “Hot Blooded”, you also want to bang sleazy metal girls behind their boyfriends backs. Time to rethink your whole approach. Riddled with almost every rock cliche in the book: an anthemic love song that is both over dramatic and cheesy. Complete with a quiet part, a piano part, “late-night-lover”-themed lyrics and a cache of soulful background singers that are really over doing it. Really really over doing it.
Jefferson Starship – We Built This City
The sad truth is that their old band, Jefferson Airplane was once the crown jewel of acid rock. Their first six records are all outstanding, two are perfect in every possible way. By 1970, they lost Jack Casady, Spencer Dryden and Jorma Kaukonen to Hot Tuna, burn out and Altamont. By 1983, they lost everything else, including their name and their sanity. Just a suggestion, if you’re writing an anthem to rock music, consider including a guitar or two. Not telling you what to do, but believe it or not – rock music and guitars kind of go together. Keyboards don’t build cities, and if they do, they would be built by Yaz and nobody would want to visit them.
The Who – Behind Blue Eyes
Feel kinda guilty for including The Who on this list, because I really do like some of their records. However. They’re one of those bands who can (at times) walk a thin line between brilliance and nonsense. The whole lending-out-our-entire-catalog to TV crime shows thing has ruined some part of their mystery, namely whatever was left after Keith’s death. Hearing Fred Durst try to sing this had to be a low moment in Roger Daltry’s life, I know it was for me. Then you have the whole child molester thing, not to mention the endless appearances on Howard Stern where they behave like children. I think a lot of people know exactly what’s it’s like behind those eyes.
Lynyrd Skynyrd – What’s Your Name
Just for the record: I don’t have anything against southern rock. But something about this song rubs me the wrong way. According to rock mythos, this song is based on a true story. Someone in the band tried to pick up a girl during an out-of-control bar fight which either happened in Iowa or Newcastle UK. I’ve seen a lot of fights at shows, seen people get jumped, stabbed, hit with a pipes, hit with chairs, fireworks, wood, bottles, even saw someone get whipped with a giant metal chain. But I’ve never wanted to hear a song about it.
Christopher Cross – Ride Like The Wind
If you don’t know him by name, you might know him by his style, or from the Arthur soundtrack. He writes sad songs about sail boats, heart-wrenching ballads about lost lovers and generally makes me want to throw up in my own mouth. The “DAH DAH DAH DUH DUH DAH daaaah” part in the middle of this song could be to blame for my childhood interest in the Ramones.
